It must be me...#2

Still in New England. Kittery, Maine. It'd be nice to say that Bob Kraft, who started up Bob's Clam Hut in 1956, was still running it, has gone all gentrified, changed his name to Robert and opened up Robert's Maine Grill and Market just across the road on US1.

Would be nice, but it isn't true.

Would also be nice to report that the people who work there have a moderately advanced sense of humour.

Would be nice, but....

Popped in out of the cold to check the menu and spied some of their t-shirts handing on a line over the lobster tanks.

"Are they retail items, or are they just hanging up to dry" I enquired.

I was sort of hoping that the Master of Ceremonies (or whatever you call the jumped up waiter behind the podium) was going to say:

"Sorry, sir. They actually belong to tthe lobsters and they'll be putting them back on as soon as they get out of the water after their evening dip"

But he didn't.

Deadpan face.

"No sir" he said" "We hang them up like that to make them look as if they're on a washing line. We use clothes pegs especially to create that impression. We have the retail items right over here...."

I kid you not.

Don't ask me... (about New England life #2)

From the Portsmouth Herald

4:17 p.m.
Police were called to Holiday Drive for a report of youths trying to pick a lock on a shed.
An officer reported a juvenile was trying to pick the lock with a paperclip "with no chance of getting in" and sent home.

10:52 p.m.
A report was taken from a Gosport Road resident about his roommate dumping candle wax on his head.
Responding officer reported it was a joke that was unappreciated, that alcohol was a factor and the parties agreed to go to bed.

11:02 p.m.
Officers were called to Weald Road, where a woman was reported yelling obscenties during a disturbance when a reindeer head was thrown

It must be me...#1

It's been said that irony does not travel well, especially in a westerly direction across the North Atlantic.

I appear to be on a mission to prove it beyond all doubt..

I'm in Newburyport, MA in the Bookrack, a cool independent little bookstore.

These glasses have a sticker on them saying "Spring hinges", so I asked the girl behind the counter if they were seasonal items.

Blankish sort of look, so I asked if they had some with hinges that were perhaps more appropriate to the current time of year.

"Oh, that's FUNNY" she said.

But she didn't laugh......

Don't ask me... (about New England life)

From the Portsmouth Herald

11:27 a.m. — A caller told police a sick raccoon was in the area of Rockingham Avenue, and when he threw a snowball at
it, it didn't move. The animal was put down and transported from the
scene.

3:58 p.m. — A South Street caller told police there were two males in
the area of the Wentworth Coolidge mansion throwing snowballs at cars.

Must have thought it was a Dodge Raccoon.....

Herod 22 to base....

We're at the Tabernus Ferium on Via XXII in Bethlehem. No sign of the juvenile fugitive

We interviewed three suspicious characters with camels who were lurking outside the stable next door - we confiscated what we think are controlled substances from two of them and took them into custody. Herod 23's bringing them in. The third suspect was carrying a shitload of bullion, but he had a receipt for it and was clean otherwise, so we had to let him walk.

Stable appears to be uninhabited, apart from a donkey and some cows.

We're going to check out a report about some shepherds seeing bright lights in the sky about 5 miles out of town.

Probably another bloody UFO sighting. Or they've been into the arrack.

Herod 22, over and out.

Tags: christmas, herod, bethlehem

Don't ask me..... (about Hop, skip and jump) #28

Mobility-challenged rubbish containers?

I really don't think so......

Could have been me.... #1

It's no secret that Americans in general have a distinctly puritanical list.

I'd categorise them as wowsers, but not many folks would know what I mean....
(Anyone who taxes beer like they do is definitely suspect in my book)

So it wasn't a big surprise when the powers-that-be at a company over there said:

"OK, we'll agree to have alcohol at the annual picnic, BUT ONLY ONE DRINK EACH"

Vowels for Serbia

BUSH DEPLOYS VOWELS TO SERBIA

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

WASHINGTON -- Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Bush announced U.S. plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Serbia.

The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O and U, and is hoped to render countless Serbian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Bush said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say, 'Enough.'
It is time the people of Serbia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The U.S. is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Movement by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients.
Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of E's, will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and air-drop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels .

"My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, pictured above with his wife Glp, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984.

During the summer of that year, the U.S. shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's

Sell features, not benefits...

This is the coolest idea, developed by Mediaman, a software startup in Mainz.

You download a minute chunk of software onto your mobile, take a photo of the Semacode matrix on one of six information boards scattered around Mainz and watch an audio-visual presentation describing the sights, featuring Gundula Gause, national TV news reader and local girl.

Finished at one location?

A digital map shows you how to get to the next location.

It's just excellent.

It's also virtually unknown.

What they've done is the classic reverse of the marketing mantra "Sell benefits, not features".

You can't find it on Mainz's tourism website - not a big surprise, given that they're still advertising packages for Carnival. For February 2007.

And you can't call them, either. Their lines are eternally busy, they promise to call back and never do and they close for lunch (CLOSE FOR LUNCH!!) between 1 and 2 pm.

The stuff' on the information boards is written by civil servants and techies - it tells you how to USE the service, doesn't really tell you what is DOES and it sure as heck doesn't tell you how COOL it is.
Doesn't tell you who to contact if you have problems.

The excuse is that "It's a pilot project"

Hallo? I've run enough pilot projects to know that you have to market the benefits of your product to raise awareness and support users if they have problems if you want to get any traction.

What they need are big posters around the place with Gundula - 100% recognition factor - holding a mobile phone and saying something like "Let me show you around Mainz".
Then you list the locations where you can join the tour.

What they also need is a user guide for their website.

I've even written one for them. (The silence of their response was deafening...)

What are my benefits?

Take a tour through Mainz on your mobile phone with your personal tour guide: journalist, national TV news reader and local girl, Gundula Gause <>. Start at any of the 6 sights <> that we've chosen for this pilot project and she'll tell you more about them that any guide book can.
Then just follow the digital map on your phone to the next location where she'll pick up her commentary.

How does it work?

You just take a photograph of the Semacode image on one of the signs you'll find around Mainz with your mobile phone.
Our software recognises the image and connects to a website that streams sound and images to your phone.

As simple as that

What do I need?

1. A mobile phone with UMTS and Java that can play mp3s. In other words - just about any modern mobile phone.

2. Software to recognise the Semacode image


How do I get set up?

Before you get to Mainz

You can download the software here <> and transfer it to your phone via Bluetooth or USB cable.

Or point your mobile's webbrowser to http://xxxxxxxx. The software's only 180kb and installs automatically.

Once you're in Mainz

You'll see signs at the following locations:
Schillerplatz
Theater
Liebfrauenplatz
Augustinerkirche
Bischofsplatz
Dom

They'll explain how to download the software to your phone and start the tour.

How do I start the tour?

Just take a photo of the code on one of the signs and the tour starts automatically.
Once you're finished at one location, the digital map on your phone will guide you to the next point of interest


What does it cost?

The entire tour uses 3.5MB of data. If you've got a flat rate and you're within your capped limit, it's free!
Otherwise it'll cost around €2 for the entire tour

Roaming charges will apply if you don't have a contract with a German-based mobile phone provider.



What's the bet that they'll let it drift on for a year and then declare it a flop because no-one used it.

Shame...

I'm very sorry about this.... - Shabbat pacemaker

So your cardiologist tells you that you need a pacemaker -- but you're 'turned off' by the idea of a device that uses electricity (or "makes fire") on the Shabbat.

This stylish pacemaker has an inbuilt electronic calendar that disconnects the battery from Friday evening until Saturday night.

Enjoy your Shabbat as God intended, and be the envy of your friends!

This I need - Pope Clock

Ideal for people who have difficulty remembering the current pope, this attractive clock is sure to be a talking point at any party!

The names of past, present, and future popes are shown on a large easily-readable dial.

The hand on the clock points to the name of the incumbent.

Guaranteed infallible for all popes after 1870.

The best FAQ list. Ever.

From the Hotel Cafe's website

Where the sublime Wisely's playing on 4 January

Q: Can I ask you a question?
A: Yes.

Q: So, where is The Hotel Café?
A: 1623 1/2 N. Cahuenga Blvd. In Hollywood. 1/2 a block south of Hollywood Blvd on the West side of the street.

Q: What time do you open?
A: 7pm. Sometimes earlier, depending on showtime. Check calendar.

Q: Is The Hotel Café still an all ages venue?
A: No. We are now 21+.

Q: Since you're not an all ages venue anymore, should i call or email to ask if the show is all ages?
A: No.

Q: But i have a friend that will be 21 in two weeks.
A: No.

Q: Do you serve food?
A: Yes.

Q: Do you take credit cards?
A: Yes.

Q: Do you take reservations?
A: Sometimes. Click here.

Q: If a show on the calendar doesn't have "Click Here to make a reservation" next to it, should i call or email to ask how I can make a reservation?
A: No.

Q: Do you pre-sell tickets to shows?
A: Sometimes, will be noted on the calendar.

Q: If a show on the calendar doesn't have "Tickets Available HERE" or something similar next to it, should I call, email, or come by the hotel cafe to get tickets for a show that is 3 weeks away?
A: No.

Q: If a show says SOLD OUT next to it, does that mean I shoud email or come by to ask how to buy tickets?
A: No.

Q: If I send you a package, can i use Fed Ex or UPS?
A: No.

Q: Regular mail?
A: Yes.

Q: Where can I park when I come to The Hotel Café?
A: Paid parking is available in 2 lots. One just behind the Hotel Cafe and 1 about a ½ block North on the same side of the street. Street Parking is also available, but limited. See also The Holly Trolly..

Q: I’m playing tonight, where do I park?
A: See above.

Q: I’m playing tonight, where do I load in?
A: Load in through the back door in the alley.

Q: I am playing tonight, can my guest list be 50 people?
A: No.

Q: 30 people?
A: No.

Q: 10?
A: Maybe.

Q: 7?
A: Yes.

Q: I’m not on the list, but I am *insert industry related job title here*, can I get in for free?
A: No.

Q: What if I give you my card?
A: No.

Q: It’s a nice card…
A: Yes it is.

Q: It’s got rounded edges …
A: Yes, I see... Very impressive...

Q: So, how about it then?
A: No.

Q: Can I bring in my own beer or wine?
A: No.

Q: What kind of beer do you have?
A: A Bunch...

Q: What kind of reds do you have?
A: A Bunch...

Q: Whites?
A: Yes..

Q: Can I get a Vodka Cranberry then?
A: YES. Yes you can.

Q: Can I book bands for you?
A: No.

Q: Is this thing on?
A: Yes.

Q: Is the plexi-glass around the soundboard bullet proof?
A: No.

Q: So, I do this comedy act…
A: No.

Q: Abrah Cadab…
A: No.

Q: Do you have a problem with comedians or magicians?
A: No.

Q: I see on the calendar that you have a few TBAs. Can I have the one on the 15th?
A: No.

Q: The one on the 23rd?
A: No.

Q: Any of them?
A: No.

Q: So, I am from Saskatoon Dink, Canada, and I don’t know anyone in LA, and no one knows me. Can I have a headlining spot at The Hotel Cafe?
A: No.

Q: Can I have a residency?
A: No.

Q: Please?
A: No.

Q: Can I play with a Marshall Half Stack?
A: No.

Q: What if I turn it down?
A: No.

Q: But it doesn’t sound right unless it’s really loud.
A: No.

Q: Do you have a piano?
A: Yes.

Q: Is the piano tuned?
A: No.

Q: Do you have an extra 9 volt battery?
A: No.

Q: Can I shoot a movie at The Hotel Cafe?
A: Yes. Click HERE for more info..

Q: Can I smoke in The Hotel Café?
A: No.

Q: Is this The Burgundy Room?
A: No.

Q: Is this The Room?
A: No.

Q: Do you rent rooms by the week?
A: No.

Q: Can I rent a room?
A: No.

Q: Is this even a Hotel?
A: No.

Q: Can you give my CD to Nic Harcourt?
A: No.

Q: Can I have Gary Jules’ phone number?
A: No.

Q: Is Max or Marko here?
A: They might be.

Q: I don’t have a demo, but I’m really good, can you book me?
A: No.

Q: I can play a little right now, sort of an audition...
A: No.

Q: Do you have an open mic night?
A: No.

Q: You should.
A: No.

Q: I am a music reviewer for an online magazine you've never heard of. We get 150 unique hits per day... I don't have a business card, but I would appreciate being on the "House List" every night to photo-review acts that preform at...
A: No.

Q: But I have a camera.
A: So do I.

Q: Do you allow fliming in the Hotel Cafe?
A: Not any more...

Q: Why?
A: Because Utube video quality sucks.

Q: But i work for *insert pop culture-content whoring giant coorporation here* and we'd be sure to...
A: No...

Q: I run an online music site you've never heard of, and we believe your venue would benefit greatly from advertising on our site, which stresses the importance of DIY music. Our ad rates start at...
A: No.

Q: I am playing tonight, can my girlfriend and all of her friends drink for free?
A: No.

Q: I played tonight, and brought 3 people to see me. Do I get Paid?
A: No.

Q: Does this beer taste funny to you?
A: No.

Q: Is a Stella Artois glass smaller than a pint glass?
A: No.

Q: It looks smaller?
A: Yes it does.

Q: Why is that?
A: Physics.

Q: Can I have a job?
A: No.

Q: How about I just leave my resume?
A: No.

Q: What happened to the pool table?
A: It’s gone.

Q: Do you still have the open jazz jam?
A: No.

Q: Why?
A: Because no one in LA appreciates jazz.

Q: That’s sad.
A: Yes. Yes it is.

Those Poms....

... are just too polite.

I would have written

"Piss off or I'll set the dogs on you"

Seen in Bakewell

I'm very sorry about this...

I'm very sorry about this...#6

Stumbled over this description on a wine list the other day 2003 Cabernet Savignon & Merlot

Chassis and tannin aromas, they say

So I guess it's a STRONG-BODIED wine with a lot of DRIVE and one that you're unlikely to TIRE of, despite the OILY palate. You'll probably want to CLUTCH the bottle to your chest so as not to BRAKE it.

Can't imagine that the vintner will have a big problem in SHIFTING it.....