Pull the plug

I was visiting a mate who's a physician at a psychiatric hospital

I asked him how they determined whether a not a patient should be institutionalised?

"Well", he said "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"

"OK" I said "A normal person would use the bucket, because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup"

"No", he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

A bit early...

Getting on the first flight out of Nelson yesterday morning.

Being the sophisticated, polished big-city gent that I am, I insist that Mrs jb boards the aircraft first, but obviously don't think to give her the boarding passes.

She doesn't get far.

Mandy (at the top of the stairs) is referred to husband-bringing-up-the-rear who purportedly has them.

"Well" she said "I knew you'd be good for something...."

6:50am is decidedly too early for flippancy of this severity......

I'm very sari

Those taxi drivers at Auckland Airport are a pretty unhealthy-looking lot.

All look a bit Sikh to me...

On hearing voices

"Hi, jb"

I heard this voice, but I couldn't work out where it was coming from.

We'd agreed to met Meg and Ben from Nelson Daily Photo at The Red Gallery on Bridge St in Nelson for a coffee, after having sparred occasionally from a safe distance.

"Hi, jb" said this voice.

Looked around.

Saw a friendly looking Japanese guy who I (correctly) assumed to be Ben, but I couldn't see Meg.

Looked around some more.

No sign of Meg.

"Hey, jb. DOWN HERE!"

Well, she said she was short (and short-sighted) but....

Seriously, though.

It's been an unusual experience over the past year, seeing a city and region that you know quite well through someone else's eyes. And finding out that you have quite a number of shared acquaintances.

Meg stumbled over YMBFA just as we were ending our 3 month sojourn in Nelson last year (so we didn't meet) and I picked up on the idea of starting a Mainz Daily Photo.

And so it continued.

Until Wednesday.

It was a really neat afternoon.

"Not a woman of few words" is a more-than-appropriate title for Meg's blog (Ben plays the quiet, silent role very well, not that he's got much choice) and we had a sparkling, erudite, wide-ranging and fun-filled chat.

And Jay Farnsworth, Red's owner, hovered around the edges, making us coffee and feel very welcome and quietly enjoying her role of providing the environment for the meeting.

Looking forward to more of the same when we get down here for good.

And I DID try not to be irksome....

Tags: Red Gallery, Nelson Daily Photo, Jay Farnsworth, Meg Nakagawa, Ben Nakagawa

On being happy

The happiest person in New Zealand is a 75 year old widow, having retired to Nelson on a $75,000 income, living in a freehold property and with no dependent children.

Glaring obvious, really.

Nelson is blessed with a benign climate and battles annually with Blenheim for the title of Most Sunshine Hours.

She's made it past the Biblical three-score-and-ten mark and there's no-one around to fart in bed, leave the toilet seat up or moan about another pair of expensive shoes.

There's more than enough cash in the bank to let her trundle out to the Monterey Cafe for a chat with the girls ona regular basis and if she plans it right, she''ll have spent it all just before she falls off the perch.
Sod the kids.

The unhappiest person is a middle-aged man, living in Southland, unemployed, never having married and with dependent children.

Almost.

Clerks are the unhappiest people.

I know why.

You come home from work with a pay packet that just beats a benefit payout and you're confronted by the wife, who says " Why don't you go and have an accident so that I can live in Nelson on the proceeds of the life insurance policy. And take he kids while you're at it....."

I get confused

They have this fixation down here with motor scooters.

One cafe in Nelson City is called "Lambretta" and there's another one out in Brightwater called "Vespa's".

What?

Oh, it's VESPERS.

So that's why they've built it to look like an old church.

Oh, it IS an old church.

Sorry for the confusion......

Tags: Nelson, Lambretta's, Vespas, Vespers, Brightwater

Fools I have met

MiNDFOOD is an integrated media brand delivering information from New Zealand and around the world. The magazine and website feature television, podcasts, electronic newsletters, features, recipes, photopraphs and daily news.

The core editorial platforms of Society, Wellness, Environment, Culture, Food & Travel, Brain Teasers and News can be accessed online and through the pages of the magazine. MiNDFOOD is innovative in that you can choose how and when you want to access the content, either through the pages of the magazine or daily interaction with MiNDFOOD online.

Thus the Editor's Letter in the (I think) first issue of M(trendy lower case)"i"NDFOOD.

Buy it. It's likely to become a collector's item.

This is bullshit bingo drivel of the direst kind.

Who ON EARTH are they trying to reach?
Do they seriously think that REAL PEOPLE talk like admen doing a client pitch.

Or even understand you?

Michael McHugh is the culprit.

Editor-in-Chief

There's a picture of him

Trendily shaven head, shirt unbuttoned to the navel and outside the pants (natch), seated at a desk with a MacBook open for action, piece of ceramic art, Don Binney print in the background

He concludes:
Please send your feedback to MiNDFOOD - it's important to us that we deliver what you want to read.

Michael, it's not only that I don't WANT to read this mindless rambling.

I CAN'T without being physically ill....

This is Nelson

The "Windy City Strugglers" is a Wellington-based blues/roots band (one self-penned description is "The ZZ Top of folk music") we saw at the Boathouse in Nelson at the end of 2006.

They're really good.

Nick Bollinger who writes the music column in the "Listener" plays bass in the band.

He's also less well known as the author of a gem of a book, called "How to listen to Pop Music" and I did the fan thing (which would have embarrassed any progeny in tow) and told him during the break how much I enjoyed reading it.

He was so friendly that I suspected he'd only sold the one copy.

Ms jb had her heart set on getting hold of a song from the set with the phenomenal title of "I call my baby sugar (because she's so refined").

Everyman Records on Hardy Street weren't too optimistic about getting it, but ordered it anyway.

Never did turn up.

So I wrote to Nick (who's now my friend, seeing that I'm the only person who bought his book..) and he reckoned he had a copy of the CD lying around at home and he's send it to me if he could find it.

Never did turn up, so apart from frequent questioning from Ms jb as to what I'm going to do about it, I pretty much gave up on the idea.
(Although to his eternal credit, Nick donated a bunch of signed copies to a "Bloggers for a Cure" thing I got involved in that raised a couple of thousand dollars for CYF research.

Fast forward to this week.

Back in Nelson after 15 months, so we pop into Everyman.

Did they have anything by "The Windy City Strugglers"?

Quick scan. One in stock. It's the one we'd ordered 15 months ago.

Turned up 5 months after we ordered it ("That's pretty quick for that distributor, actually..."), been held for almost a year on the off chance that we'd drift by and finally got put out on the shelves.

A couple of weeks ago.

This is Nelson....

Tags: Nelson, Boathouse, Everyman Records, Nick Bollinger, How to listen to pop music, Bloggers for a Cure, Jefito

Catch 22

So I'e seen a back issue of a magazine, want to get hold of it and call up the publisher's subscription department.

It went like this:

"I'd like to get hold of the October/November issue of Homes NZ please"

"We only offer that service for subscribers"

"But if I were a subscriber, I'd already have it. I think"

Deathly silence at the other end.

"OK. So I'd like to subscribe and then you can get me the back issue"

"It doesn't work like that, sir"

Good thing I'm not easily annoyed.

It really is.....

This is quite tricky

I've been wandering around Nelson for a week now, looking for the famous Meg and Ben.

Every Japanese couple I spy (and there are a lot...), I approach and say "Hi Meg, hi Ben"

Mostly they just run off.

Some call the police, resulting in a couple of chats with Trevor Plod, so I've had to revert to a new tactic.

Advertising.

Not many takers, though.

None at all, in fact...

Bloody 1970s furniture

Staying on the shores of the Waimea Estuary in Mapua at a place that describes itself as "renovated apple pickers' cottages (that) are furnished "bach style" with an eclectic mix of treasures from the 1950s, 60s and 70s. .........

Which means that the furniture's been sourced from second-hand shops.

You know the sort of stuff.

Scandinavian influences. Rounded, amoebic-shaped pieces. Bold patterns. Plastic seats. Orange.

Lots of orange

But the view makes up for it.

I'm having an ongoing disagreement with the coffee table, though, and if things don't improve, it'll be lucky to survive our stay.

There's a fair chance it'll end up back in a second-hand shop.

Or in the Kent wood stove.

1970's furniture didn't go much for strong verticals. It's all curved, soft lines and the coffee table has legs that are splayed well outside the outline of the table top.

Lounge table legs that you trip over.

And break your bloody toe.....

Mr Todd...

and his brother - if they're not both over 70, they're pretty close - own a market garden next to the speedway track in Nelson.

They're out in the fields (or in the shed out at the back having a beer if it's after 4pm) and you choose your veges and flowers from the stand, pop the money in the honesty-box and away you go.

Nothing flash - they grow some specialty stuff for Matt Bouterey's eponymous (and very good) restaurant in Richmond - but if you want spuds, tomatoes, beetroot, onions and statice, it's the place to go to.

If fact, statice is all they had yesterday, so Mrs jb aked about the zinnias growing next the the overgrown cucumbers.

"Oh, they're finished, dear. Go and pick as many as you like. You can have them for nothing"

That's an attitude I like...

So

Flowers courtesy of Mr Todd
Jug courtesy of Steve Fullmer
Scenery courtesy of the Waimea Estuary

Tags: Steve Fullmer, Todd, Nelson, Waimea Estuary

I'm very sorry....

you're 5 minutes too early....

This is the South Street Gallery in Nelson at 4:55pm yesterday.

Not that they'd just closed and there were people rattling around inside, putting stuff away and doing the things you do after you close up for the day.

Nothing like that.

Deserted.

Flashback

A guy I used to work with toured New Zealand in the 1970s.
Got to the dining room of the motel at 9:02 one morning and the owner said

"I'm sorry, you're 2 minutes too late"

You have NO IDEA how often I've heard that over the last 30 years...

Tags: Nelson, South Street Gallery

All change

In Mainz's wine bars, there's a generation change at about 6:30pm when the geriatrics toddle off to clamber onto the last bus that'll get them back home before curfew and their places are taken by the youngsters.

Well, baby-boomers, anyway.

Here in Nelson, it's even more noticeable.

At 4pm, anyone who's of voting age vacates their place at the supermarket checkout and is replaced by a school kid.

Which means that if you want to buy beer or wine, they have to ring the bell to get a supervisor.

They must have run out of school kids at Pak'n'Save in Richmond yesterday, because the checkout operator almost qualified for a free bus pass.

"Ah" I said in a weak attempt at humour "I've got some wine, so I guess you'll have to call your supervisor"

And she did.

Must have been a mature student......

Catch 22 reloaded

This story is just too silly for words, but I'll write about it anyway.

And it would be quite funny - despite its numbing lack of logic and common sense - if it hadn't cost me money.

We're flying around the world in business class.

Except on Air New Zealand.

Air New Zealand doesn't have Business Class on its regional services, so it's grin and bear it for 1:20 from Auckland to Nelson.

Business class travel reeks of generosity. Big, wide seats with lots of legroom, decent food, bottomless bottles and plenty of luggage allowance.

We travel fairly light, so we've got just over 40kg between the two of us, way below the allowance of 60kg on the way down via Bangkok and the allowance back via Los Angeles is more than I weigh.

So we're in Auckland and it's a smallish aircraft to Nelson so I check in the carry-on trolley, too.

7 kg.

49kg all told.

"That'll be $45" she chirps.

Blank look.

"You're 9kg overweight and that's $5 a kilo"

Tell her we've just flown in Business Class on Thai, Air NZ's Star Alliance partner, that Air New Zealand doesn't even HAVE Business Class on this route, that we're flying out via Los Angeles with about a 1000kg of allowance and that 7 of the 9kgs is international carry-on.

And that the Air New Zealand people in Nelson apply common sense and don't charge if you're connecting internationally to the States.

"Well, they might be more flexible in Nelson, but we charge full"

And then we get to Nelson and see this sign that says...yes, 20kg per person EXCEPT if your ticket involves travel to or via the USA.

No, it's not "flexibility", dearie.

The people in Nelson just know their product.....

I just wish Rob Fyfe, Air New Zealand's clued-up CEO would read this.

Maybe he will.

He definitely needs to.....

Tags: Air New Zealand, Rob Fyfe, Star Alliance

Things are looking up

When I was growing up in New Zealand, there were 2 types of cheese - Mild and Tasty.

Now there's Colby, too.

If that's not progress....

Call me old-fashioned if you will......

...but is that a piece of chainlink fencing suspended between ear and lip?

Oh.

I thought so...

They have big chooks in Thailand

Crikey, look at the size of their BALLS...!

Seen at the Marriott in Bangkok

This I need - for Pi Day

Thinkgeek.com has the ultimate collection of stuff I'm probably too old (but stupid enough) to wear.

Like this Pi T-shirt, made up of the first 4493 digits.

i.e. these

3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974
94459230781640628620899862803482534211706798214808651328230
66470938446095505822317253594081284811174502841027019385211
05559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233786
78316527120190914564856692346034861045432664821339360726024
91412737245870066063155881748815209209628292540917153643678
92590360011330530548820466521384146951941511609433057270365
75959195309218611738193261179310511854807446237996274956735
18857527248912279381830119491298336733624406566430860213949
46395224737190702179860943702770539217176293176752384674818
46766940513200056812714526356082778577134275778960917363717
87214684409012249534301465495853710507922796892589235420199
56112129021960864034418159813629774771309960518707211349999
99837297804995105973173281609631859502445945534690830264252
23082533446850352619311881710100031378387528865875332083814
20617177669147303598253490428755468731159562863882353787593
75195778185778053217122680661300192787661119590921642019

plus another 3493.

Pi Day is this Friday, by the way.

Figure it out for your self

So if you see me wearing the above, or this , or this, or this, or even this, stop me and say

"You silly old fool..."

Tags: Thinkgeek, t-shirts, Pi

One of these days.....

.....I'll pluck up the nerve to buy this.

Might even listen to it

If I'm feeling robust...

(Sighted at zweitausendeins in Frankfurt)

Tags: Bulgarian folk music, Bulgarian All Star Orchestra, zweitausendeins

Don't ask me... (about the sign of the cross)

My uncle John - not a religious man - would never leave the house without crossing himself and chanting

"Watch, wallet, spectacles, testicles"

as he confirmed the existence and correct position of each item.

He'd be in trouble these days.

A judge in Italy has just convicted a man for clutching his genitals in a public place.

Which is a common superstitious practice to ward off impending doom.

Having experienced the place myself, it's probably something you'd want to do as you crossed the road.

It's a bugger if you're a footballer, though.

You're lined up in the wall for a free kick.

You either protect yourself (and get met by the Carabinieri as you leave the field)

Or start talking in a high-pitched voice.

Tags: Sign of the cross, watch wallet spectacles testicles, Italy, judge, free kick, wall

Bankers. Rhymes with...

I have 2 banks - one in Germany (as efficient as one would expect) and one in New Zealand.

They're driving me up the bloody wall.

Forget the fact that they left me without a credit card for a week when I renewed it prior to its expiration date.

(Which is what you do when you're going to be out of the country when it expires..)

Forget that you tell them to reduce the mortgage principal by $X and they only reduce it by $Y because "the request was misinterpreted"

Forget that you ask them for some investment information and they say they'll "reply at their convenience".

Which was a week later.

Forget that they promise to "email me first thing tomorrow" and never do

But this really takes the cake.

Email my consultant to find out why they've mysteriously deducted a couple of hundred dollars from my account.

No reply after a full business day, so call up the phone banking people.

Forgotten my phone password, so they ask me the usual questions and then find they can't tell me anything at all about the mysterious deduction and I should contact my consultant...

While I'm at it, I start asking about how I can reset my phone password.

"Start", because I only get halfway through the question.

So I start again.

Point out that if I can't ask the question, it's unlikely that she'll know what I want.

Silence.

Deep breath.

Ask the question.

"You can do it online"

Go online, find out that I'm about to change my online banking password.

Call up again, say I want to reset my phone banking password.

Usual questions

Then "And what can I help you with today"

Tell her.

Only get interrupted once

Then she says "Can you give me your online password, please?"

WHAT? OVER THE PHONE? NO! WAY!

This is where I almost give up.

But then I give it one last try.

I get Peter.

Peter doesn't interrupt, because Peter knows how guys just HATE being interrupted.

Women don't mind, because they hold parallel conversations anyway and it doesn't matter to them if no-one's listening or if someone interrupts.

They just keep talking.

So Peter knows what I want (because he's been listening), has a solution and in 2 minutes, I've got a new phone password.

I wish I could deal with Peter all the time.

Then they'd have a fair chance of keeping my Bag of Money

Which isn't very high at the moment.

Tags: Mainzer Volksbank, National Bank, Visa, call centre, Fly my pretties, Bag of money, Live at Bats