The Word of 2009 - Katabatic

Talking with one of my professor mates the other day about Mainz 05's new stadium, now being built slap bang in the middle of an area that has had strict planning laws to prevent disruption to the fresh flow of air that keeps the city fromdeath by asphyxiation.

"Oh, that'll be a katabatic wind, then" he says as learnedly as an Australian geologist can.

Katabatic? Haven't heard that before.

"Greek" he says "Gravity-feed airflow caused by pressure gradients"

Sounds a bit too glib and very much like a True Story, so I look it up.

Greek it is, a drainage wind it is too and it's frequently found in...?

"Greenland. And Antarctica" he says.

Spot on.

"In Antarctica, you'll have a beautiful day and as the sun goes down, the wind goes from zero to 50 knots in minutes"

I suppose he'd know.

He used to live there....

Oh my goodness

Utterly stunning

HT BoingBoing

True story

I used to work with an true idiot.

I have absolutely no idea a) who hired him and b) why they didn't sack him, but we were stuck with him.

One tolerates idiots for a while, but continued cretinous behaviour takes its toll on even the most good-natured and we became openly critical of the fool's shortcomings.

After an especially acerbic comment incorporating the words "piss-up", "brewery" and "organise", he countered with

"You bastards think I know FUCK NOTHING!

I'll let you into a secret.

I know FUCK ALL!"

Spooks

Our Dave's boy and my godson, Matthew, always wanted to go into the Civil Service.

He's got an MA in History.

All of a sudden, he's a school teacher.

I'm pretty sure he's been recruited by MI5.

Having recently watched a couple of episodes of "Spooks", a BBC series, I've become a bit of an expert on these things.

It all fits the pattern

He's moved out of his parents' place into a flat of his own.

This'll be to make sure that his micro-dots don't disappear into the Hoover when his Mum cleans the room.

And he wouldn't be able to fool his Dad into thinking that all the wirelesses and things that spies use are a new hi-fi.

"What's this knob for, lad?"

"I wouldn't touch that one, Dad. It'll self-destruct in 20 seconds and pulverise the whole street"

So we can all sleep safely in the knowledge that he's keeping an eye on these littlies in his school class, making sure that they don't become radicalised and start IEDing themselves in the playground.

Of course, having blown his cover, I'll likely be intercepted on the way to the Post Office to collect the pension and rendited away to a foreign country.

So if this stops in mid-sentence, you'll know whats happ

Well, yes......

The papers in New Zealand report that British and Australian migrants are outstripping Kiwis on their own soil with higher incomes and more in professional jobs.

When questioned about increased levels of emigration from New Zealand to Australia back in the 1960s, the Prime Minister at the time, Rob Muldoon, responded that these migrants "raised the average IQ of both countries".

Don't think so, Rob.

Brain farts

Vural Öger used to be a member of the European Parliament (which perhaps tells you something about his intelligence)

He proposes banning carry-on luggage on aircraft.

Which tells you even more about his intelligence.

He also operates a travel company.

Couldn't be that he'd thus profit from exces baggage charges, could it?

Thinks:
Given an IQ lower that his shoe size (and he has very small feet), he probably wouldn't come up with that...


caHe now operates a travel company

Thieving sods

In French supermarkets, they'll put the really good stuff (as in "Bordeaux for €70 a bottle" good stuff...) behind glass.

Around here, an €8.99 bottle of vodka qualifies as "good stuff" and eminently trouserable.

For some people, anyway...

10 words you need to stop misspelling

The inhabitants of Interweb need this link more than they know.

Typographic riddles

The first one's dead easy, although I wouldn't be beating ABOUT the Bush.

I'd be beating heavily ON the bastard....

Second one's a bit tricky, but I'm sure various Professors in the audience will have it in a flash.

More over here if you're that way inclined

This I need...

The best thing since....sliced bread..?

Fairytale of New York

Best Christmas song ever by a drunk man with bad teeth.

12 days of Christmas - #12

Law Offices
Bedger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Denver
Colorado

26 December 1975

Dear Sir
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.  The destruction, of course, was total.  All correspondence should come to our attention.  If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.  With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially

Badger, Bender and Cahole

12 days of Christmas - #11

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley
Colorado

24 December 1975

Listen, Fuckhead
What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies?  Some of those broads will never walk again.  Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.  All 23 of the birds are dead.  They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy.  I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

Yours sworn enemy,
Agnes

I like Christmas

Ozzie Osbourne doesn't.

He reckons that his best Christmas was 6 years ago when he was in a coma after an accident.

And then of course no gossip column would be complete without Paris Hilton, who supposedly believed in Santa until she was 16.

I have it on reliable authority that she stopped believing in the virgin birth at age 10....

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Not around here....

According to supermarkets in Britain, sales of premium lavatory paper increase substantially in December as families try to impress their in-laws, parents and other guests they will welcome into their home at Christmas. Sales of filter coffee and Earl Grey tea also jump, as consumers hide the lesser brands at the back of the cupboard, to try and impress their guests with their refined taste. 

(Source: The Telegraph)

I do exactly the opposite when the relatives turn up here.

Hide all the good stuff and dish up Chateau Cardboard and Nescafe.

Sod 'em

Rage Against The Mediocre

Thank goodness for small mercies.

There's a tradition in the UK that the #1 Christmas song (in recent years, at least) has to be vacuous, innocuous, innoffensive and musically worthless.

Most recently, it's been provided by the winner of "The X Factor" - something like "American Idol"

That would appear to fit the bill

This year's different.

Someone set up a Facebook group, grew it to 1,000,000 members and exhorted them to download Rage Against The Machine's "Killing in the name" in large numbers.

500,000 downloads later, they'd beaten "The X Factor"'s conveyor belt  manufactured star, Joe McElderry, by 50,000.

Meeting with 80% approval ratings in New Zealand.

100% around here.

12 days of Christmas - #10

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley
Colorado

23 December 1975

Your rotten prick
Now there’s 10 ladies dancing.  I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies.  They’ve been balling those pipers all night long.  Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea.  My living room is a river of shit.  They Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouln’t be condemned.
I’m sticking the police on you.

One who means it,
Agnes

Failing to plan is planning to fail

Mrs jb dug up a recipe from an English magazine for classy Christmas cookies.

English.

Now that should have been a warning.

Not that the Poms can't cook (some - quite a few, actually - can), but there's a general dim-wittedness prevalent in great swathes of country.

The recipe involves beating a large quantity of icing sugar, 2 drops of peppermint essence and minuscule quantities of cream (30ml?) and albumen (HALF an egg-white?) into a thick paste, rolling it into an elongated shape, letting it dry and then cutting it into disks which you dip into melted chocolate.

Recipe says:

20 minutes plus an unspecified "drying time".

Days later.....

At this rate, we might be lucky to have them ready for Easter.

Stupid bloody Poms

This hurts my brain

My first PC (1987) didn't even have a hard drive.

I ran programs off of and stored data on a single 720KB 5.25" floppy disk.

Then I went mad and bought a 1.44MB 3.5" disk drive.

Cost DM500 which was probably about 10% of my monthly salary back then which was WELL above an average salary.

Now I could run Microsoft Word (a stripped down, but still functional version) from the 3.5 drive and use the 720KB drive for storage.

Talk about high tech

I'm convinced...

...where do I sign up?

HT criggo.com

12 days of Christmas - #9

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley
Colorado

22 December 1975

Hey Shithead
What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there’s nine pipers playing.  And Christ, do they play.  They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.  The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds.  What am I going to do?  They neighbours hve stared a petition to evict me.

You’ll get yours,
Agnes

Only the Irish

From the Aer Lingus website:

Check-in Information

Passengers must check-in prior to the scheduled departure time

This is such a BFO, but I guess when you're dealing with the Irish....

12 days of Christmas - #8

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley
Colorado

21 December 1975

OK Buster
I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking?  It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows.  There’s shit all over the lawn, and I can’t move in my own house.  Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

Eh?

I thought it was Boeing showing a touch of irony, but they're talking about the 737.
Not the 787.
(A mere 2 years behind schedule...)


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12 days of Christmas - #7

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley
Colorado

20 December 1975

John
What’s with you and those fucking birds???  Seven swans a-swimming.  What kind of God damned joke is this?  There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket.  I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck.  It’s not funny, so stop with those fucking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

12 days of Christmas - #6

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley
Colorado

19 December 1975

Dear John
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps.  So you’re back to the birds again, huh?  Those geese are huge.  Where will I ever keep them?  The neighbours are complaining, and I can’t sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially
Agnes

Does this mean....

......that they GIVE me the laptop AND €500 as well?

No, I didn't think so either.....

This is the life

Afternoon tea. Half a dozen huitres and a glass of Vernatsch


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Peace on earth...

and goodwill to all mankind is all very well, but it doesn't stretch to the womenkind of the family who are 30 minutes overdue from "I'm just having a look" expedition in -3 Celcius temperatures


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12 days of Christmas - #5

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley
Colorado

18 December 1975

Dearest John

What a surprise!  Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger.  You’re just impossible, but I love it.  Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love
Agnes

12 days of Christmas - #4

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley
Colorado

17 December 1975

Dear John

Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds.  Now, really, they’re beautiful but don’t you think enough is enough?  You’re being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

My kind of science

12 days of Christmas - #3

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley
Colorado

16 December 1975

Dear John
Oh!  Aren’t you the extravagant one!  Now I really must protest.  I don’t deserve such generosity – three French hens.  They are just darling but I must insist – you’ve been to kind.

Love,
Agnes

A year in pictures

One year in 40 seconds from Eirik Solheim on Vimeo.

Phenomenal

12 days of Christmas - #2

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley
Colorado

15 December 1975

Dearest John
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.  Just imagine – two turtle doves!  I’m delighted at your very thoughtful gift.  They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

120% of Americans have an opinion

Fox News didn't like the results of the poll about falsifying results, so they falsified the results.

According to the poll, 35 percent thought it very likely, 24 percent somewhat likely, 21 percent not very likely, and 5 percent not likely at all (15 percent weren't sure).

Fox News' graphics department added together the "very likely" and "somewhat likely" numbers to reach 59 percent, and called that new group "somewhat likely."

Then, for some reason, they threw in the 35 percent "very likely" as their own group, even though they already added that number to the "somewhat likely" percentage. Then they mashed together the "not very likely" and "not likely at all" groups, and threw the 15 percent who were unsure into the waste bin.

Voila -- 120%

As such, Fox News' presentation of the data made it seem as though 94 percent of Americans think it's at least "somewhat likely" that climate scientists falsify their research data.

12 days of Christmas - #1

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley,
Colorado

14 December 1975

Dearest John
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.  What a thoroughly delightful gift.  I couldn’t have been more surprised.

With deepest love and affection,
Agnes

At least it's for a good cause

"Must be Santa", I can live with

"O little town of Bethlehem" definitely not.

This is the sort of stuff that turns normally good-natured people into Scrooges....

Spelt....

T-A-S-T-Y T-O-A-S-T-E-D?

Perfection

"A designer knows he has arrived at perfection not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away."
St Exupery



Drosselmeyer - the ultimate nutcracker.

Nothing else comes even close

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Men Are Just Happier People

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white
T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just
too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress
$5000. Tux rental-$ 100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. [Ed.: Actually, only a carry-on]
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

HT to Virginia @ Birmingham Daily Photo

This, that and the other #2

It starts back here with Rock and Roll Doctor, a tribute album to the inimitable late, great Lowell George

This - a track from the tribute album, interpreted by one of the creme de la creme
That - the Little Feat/Lowell George original
And the Other - a good cut (or maybe 2) from the tribute album artist

Feats don't fail me now by Taj Mahal from Rock and Roll Doctor

Feats don't fail me now (From Sessions for Feats Don't Fail Me Now) by Little Feat from Hotcakes and Outtakes

Corinna by Taj Mahal from Phenomenon OST

The Cuckoo by Taj Mahal from The Natch'l Blues


Live cut from Pinkpop music festival, The Netherlands, June 1976.

The Twitterer

 

The original Twitterer (Tweeter?) by Paul Klee from 1922, titled "Die Zwitscher-Machine" ("The Twittering Machine")

MMA New York

Why can't I help this stuff

At the Christmas exhibition at the local Craftpeople's Guild.

I look at the scarf draped around the cranium of the show window dummy and think:

"Spoon. Gimme fiction"

I also know where I bought the CD (great little record store in Kerikeri), know where the lyrics first me (Hurstmere Road in Takapuna in a rental car outside The Booklover whilst Mrs jb was stocking up at Country Road.)

This used to worry me.

Not anymore.

I showed the Spoon image to the lady who was running the exhibition.

She looked at me as if I was trying explain quantum physics via yodeling.

We live on different planets.

I quite like it on mine.....

They never got me - Spoon from Gimme Fiction

Either the schnitzel's too big....

...or the plate's too small.

€5.50=US$8.00

Including tax.
Including service.

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Baby sitting

 

Or...

"How to piss off a v. young-looking 49 year old"

I've known Robby since she was 3.

Her folks moved into our road in the early 1960s and they became Mrs jb and my best friends.

No-one else came or comes even close.

So it was natural that I'd get called upon to babysit the "Littlies", as Isla called them, on occasion

Fast forward to 1976.

I was back in NZ on vacation and the Eagles were playing Carlaw Park.

I was nominally going out with one (or both?) of the Milnes twins, identical twin schoolteachers whose Gran lived next door and who had just returned from Philadelphia.

(We used to joke that Mum and Mrs Milnes would be quite tolerant of bigamy and would be more than happy to see me marching up the aisle with a bird on each arm. Seriously...)

And it was obvious that we were going to see the Eagles.

Robby's eyes lit up when she heard, so I bought her a ticket and off we went.

All chattering away quite happily, with Robby getting quieter by the minute until she leans over and whispers in my ear "Don't you DARE tell them that I'm still at school..."

Fast forward to last month.

I'm back in NZ haymaking on the farm and discover to my ABSOLUTE JOY that Ry Cooder and Nick Lowe are playing the Civic Theatre in Auckland on one of my 2 nights in town.

Ask my mate Houghton, Robby's husband, if he'd be interested.

No (there's no accounting for taste...), but Robby would.

Tickets bought, pick her up at the ferry from Devonport, great evening, phenomenally good concert and we're on our way back to the car when she bumps into some friends.

Usual introductions, how do you know Robby? etc

The usual "Oh, I used to BABYSIT Robby when she was a Littlie"

More than a whisper this time.

"I just HATE it when he does that...."

Stand by me - Ry Cooder from Chicken Skin Music

Tattler - Ry Cooder from Paradise and Lunch

Do you want my job - David Lindley and Wally Ingram from Twango Bango Deluxe

Do you want my job - Cooder-Lindley Family from Live at the Vienna Opera House

I was tempted to yell out for the latter as an encore, but I was worried that Ry (he wrote it) might take me up on the offer and I'd be stuffed.

Going back to work for a living?

Heaven forbid....

Inspired graphics on the Tube

If a tad blurred around the edges

This, that and the other #1

Seriously.

There are people who have never heard of Lowell George and Little Feat.

Even people of my/his/our age.

Read about Lowell and the band on Wikipedia, and marvel at the genius of the man in this clip from 1977, filmed backstage at the Gruga Halle in Essen



There was the usual tribute album - Rock and Roll Doctor - released 20 years after his death, which is as good a place to start as any.

This - the track from the tribute album
 "Cold, cold, cold" performed by Bonnie Raitt on the album

That - a Little Feat/Lowell George original
"Cold, cold, cold" performed by Little Feat on "Hotcakes and Outtakes"

And the Other - a good cut from the tribute album artist
"Angel from Montgomery" - Bonnie Raitt from "No Nukes"

Which is one of finest readings of a truly wonderful John Prine song

I am an old woman, named after my mother
My old man is another, child that's grown old
If dreams were thunder, lightning were desire
This old house would have burnt down, a long time ago

Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery
Make me a poster from an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

When I was a young girl, well I had me a cowboy
He weren't much to look at, just a free rambling man
But that was a long time, and no matter how I try
The years just flow by, like a broken down dam

There's flies in the kitchen, I can hear 'em there buzzing
And I ain't done nothing, since I woke up today
How the hell can a person, go to work in the morning
And come home in the evening, and have nothing to say

Bonnie Raitt live
 

I think his name's "Edvard"

Now, here's a treat....

Bayern 2 Radio is one of the best stations I've heard.

I'll try and define the magic:

Today started off with traditional Bavarian music, mixed with local and regional news, then there's 90 minutes of current affairs, background information, consumer topics and music, 30 minutes of cultural events, an hour featuring Tom Waits and Jack Kerouac, 2 hours of everything under the sun, live from a school (that's on now...), a call-in program about grandparents' role in child development, an hour of recommendations for books, music, theatre and TV, then news, interviews, kiddy program followed by....


Zündfunk, a program that never ceases to amaze me.

Here's yesterday's playlist:

Moneybrother
Salm
Tocotronic
Grizzly Bear
Dead Prez
Salm
The Strokes
Japandroids
Hearts No Static
Blakrok
John Watson
Olöf Arnalds
Jon Hopkins
William Fitzsimmons
Cluster & Eno
Mumford & Sons
Glasvegas

And then they have absolute gems, like an interview with Tony Allen, one of the primary co-founders of Afrobeat.

Normal sort of interview, except that the interviewer, Tobi Ruhland, brought along his dulcimer.

Which I thought was a valiha. Or a zither.

So here's Tobi with Tony Allen  - "perhaps the greatest drummer who has ever lived", as Brian Eno puts it - laying down the beat.

The full interview's here as a podcast.

And "O Isa" - Rossy and Rakoto Frah - A World out of Time Volume 2 - gives you an idea of what a valiha sounds like.

Not a big difference, really...

Time Out's Top 100 restaurants in London

....includes the Golden Hind in Maylebone Lane.

Not a Michelin star to be seen.

First opened in 1914, the first 3 generations of owners were Italian,
the 2 most recent Greek.

Dinner for 2 (F&C, mushy peas, BYO, no corkage: about £20.

Owner shakes your hand when you leave.

Choice

Bastards I have known

It's an established fact that George W. Bush and Tony Blair are a couple of bona fide ratbags.

Not only did they lie and cheat their way in the history books - they've been depriving me of a choice of beers for the last 3 years since the foiled attempt to smuggle liquid explosives onto aircraft in 2006.

Now, it's not as if Germany isn't a beer-drinking country, but you'd be astounded at the limited range of bottled beers from craft breweries available at normal retail outlets.
Guinness. Budovar. Pilsner Urquel. Hooligans/O'Dour/substitute Irish-sounding name.

Not so in England. Or America. The north-east bit, at least

The trick is getting them into (and out of) the suitcase in one piece.

Method 1:
Bottle, sock, shoe.
Good: Snug fit, shock-protected
Bad: Constrained by numbers of size 12(46) shoes

Method 2:
Bottle, t-shirt
Good: Availability of t-shirts
Bad: Lack of significant shock protection

Method 3:
Bottle,sock/t-shirt/corrugated cardboard fruit tray

This is the ultimate solution.

Takes 6 bottles lined side by side, snug fit, shock-protected, stable transportation

Success rate: 100%